


Press A to Start

by charmandhex



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Also T because both the characters and I curse extensively, Because why not combine two things that make me both laugh and cry extensively, Everyone will show up at some time or another, It's the Wreck It Ralph AU that will not leave me alone, Julia still kinda dies and sorry about that, Magnus is Ralph and Julia is Felix, Merle is just really really bored in his game, Sizzle It Up with Taako is the world's glitchiest game, Time to play mix and match with plot points
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-06 00:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15182702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmandhex/pseuds/charmandhex
Summary: Jeffandrew’s arcade is chock full of broken and glitchy games, and that’s not even the worst part. It’s up to a not particularly bad bad guy, a bored not-really-protagonist, and chef wizard who’s practically a glitch himself to save the day and keep everyone’s games plugged in. Otherwise, it might actually be game over.





	Press A to Start

            “Hi, my name’s Magnus. I’m a bad guy.” There’s a chorus of greetings in response as Magnus waves to the room.

            “I’m 9 feet tall, 643 lbs, and it’s been said, not by me, that I could kill a character with my fists. And you might also know me as Break It Burnsides from the game Fix It Julia Jr.” It’s a pretty full house, but then, it usually is. And it’s a good thing rustic hospitality insisted that they get a lot of those little sandwich cookies from that cooking mini game around the corner, as they’re going quickly. Satan (pronounced Sa-teen, Magnus reminds himself) has a plate with half a dozen and looks thrilled. He makes a note to send the compliments to the chef; he looked like he needed some good news when Magnus went to pick them up earlier. “I’ve been coming here since the beginning I guess. I kinda started Bad Anon a bit after we were plugged in ten years ago.

            “Anyway, I’m a breaker. I break things. Most of Raven’s Roost in fact. To make ducks.” Magnus holds up his latest, and there are some noises of approval from the long time members, who are very much familiar with his game’s storyline. The newer members still look a bit incredulous, which, okay, _fair_. “I know it’s not your, uh, usual motivation.” Jess the Beheader laughs from her seat. “And that makes it easier, you know, because I’m a bad guy, but not a _bad guy_. I don’t get characters running away from me crossing Game Central Station or kicked outta town in my game or things like that. Still get stopped by that asshole surge protector of course. But everyone in Raven’s Roost gets that it’s a job just like anything else and part of what keeps us in business, ‘cause games need good _and_ bad guys. The ducks help too, good decorations. And even more than that…” Magnus pauses. This is the part that… doesn’t always… _go well_ with newer members, more than anything else. He really hopes that he’s not going to have to ask her not to come in and fix all the chairs afterward if this devolves into a fight. It has happened before. More than once. “I’m married to Julia. Have been for almost seven years.” The newest ones freeze up, as expected, but one of Magnus’s first fellow members speaks, defusing the situation.

            “Ooh, and your anniversary is coming up right, darling?” Brian asks. “Ve’ll have to celebrate! Ooh, ve could have it at ze cave!”

            “Thanks, Brian. Anyway, Julia is really the whole reason I founded Bad Anon, because not everyone _has that_. So, yeah, anyway, enough about me.”

            Jess talks about being a heel in Chaos Stadium and how laughing with her coworker Killian about how the other woman could crush a man’s skull like a sparrow’s egg between her thighs was a good moment this week. Brian lights up talking about his upcoming nuptials and how it’s good to know that even if he’s a bad guy, he’s the best bad guy for his game. The normally quiet half-elf woman who only sometimes comes even talks about her racing and how she wants to race with a partner. All in all, productive meeting that they close out with the usual affirmation. “I’m bad, and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me.”

            Julia helps him clean up when everyone is gone. She doesn’t like to interfere during the meetings at all, since she’s a good guy, and bad guys need their space away from that. “Wow, I guess next time we’ll need to get twice as many macarons. I’ll change my order at Taako’s.” Julia says while Magnus puts chairs back. He’s not, in truth, as clumsy or careless as he plays in the game, and there’s no need for Julia to repair any.

            “What kind of a name is Taako anyway?” Magnus responds.

            “What kind of a name is Burnsides?” Julia laughs at him.

            Magnus gasps, mock offended. “Julia Burnsides, how could you?” They both laugh now and embrace. Magnus might be a bad guy, but life really is good.

 

* * *

 

            “QUARTER ALERT. QUARTER ALERT.” The voice announces overhead and just fuckin’ superb, my dude. Taako’s good out here, far, far away from the game stage, but no, some nerd kid had to go and shove a grimy quarter into the slot. Taako half drags his ass over to his assigned spot, a few feet right of center, because whoever programmed this fuckin’ game apparently doesn’t appreciate a nice symmetrical design. He plasters on a megawatt smile for what is quite literally his game face as the startup music trills. “Sizzle It Up with Taako,” appears in blazing bright letters overhead, followed by two staticked out bits after Taako’s name. Listen, Taako _knows_ that his game is a mess, but does it have to be so apparent from the fuckin’ get-go?

            See, glitchy games get shut down around here. Taako isn’t sure why Sizzle It Up with Taako has been tolerated despite its many prevalent flaws, but the more it gets played and the more the errors pop up, the more likely it is that it will get unplugged. Which is, you know, _yikes_. He prefers not to consider that particular possibility, so he prefers that the game doesn’t get played at all. Outcast and alone and in a game is still preferable to just outcast and alone.

            Because oh boy there are _so_ many glitches. First there’s the initial presentation. No matter how many times Taako prods at the static or the whole damn thing gets debugged, those staticky bits stay right next to his name. Then you get the option to select one player or two, fuckin’ useless with only Taako here. Next there’s the game mechanics. Even taking out the pointless second set of controls, half of the action buttons for Taako don’t make fuckin’ sense. Someone will hit that one Nintendo-damned button and Taako will toss whatever he’s cooking over his shoulder, as if to a very much nonexistent partner, only to have it splatter on the floor, the game emitting a few distressed sounding notes in protest. Cha’boy might be a simple idiot chef wizard, but that’s just bad coding. And then there’s-

            “Level select: Glamour Springs selected! Time to sizzle it up!” _Fuck_.

            Glamour Springs isn’t, strictly speaking, a difficult level. Should be a fuckin’ cakewalk, though the real cakewalk is the level where Taako bakes a cake. And it _used_ to be fine, no worse than any other rando level. But ever since, uh, about five years ago, Glamour Springs is the level where Taako ends up freezing periodically and Sazed, former audience member, aspiring bad chef from TV, and all around asshole who should not be in Taako’s game at all, thank you very fuckin’ much, takes over for a few actions before disappearing and then Taako is back, grin turning to a grimace, and he _knows_ what will happen every time, and it’s happening again, and-

            The game statics in and out before going dark entirely. Taako sighs, resigned. At least he was programmed with Darkvision.

 

* * *

 

            Merle Highchurch is not in his game right now. He often isn’t these days, even when the arcade is open, much to the consternation of literally every other occupant of his game. Er, mini game. Look, it’s not _his_ fault this console is stuck on Garden Rush. Or that with the system stuck like this, if it gets unplugged, the whole mini game goes with it. And it’s more stress on him than anyone else! He’s pretty sure he wasn’t coded to be one of those everyone’s favorite do-gooder protagonist types, but here he is, a whole game relying on him, to show up and be there, day in and day out. Sure, the whole growing different plants aspect is something Merle is, ah, _uniquely_ suited to, and play is steady enough since someone named “PAN” pretty much dominates the high scores on a regular basis. But geez, that’s a lot of pressure for a digital dwarf cleric. Too much stress for beach life. Plus, a lot of monotony, too: grow plants, argue with Hekuba, grow plants, argue with residents of the town, grow plants…

            So Merle started exploring. First just in his game world, he’s seen some of the other mini games: a cooking show, building and rebuilding, and that haunting empty sailing game for instance. But even that got small, so Merle started going outside of his game. And into others. This is also _really_ when the whole “going Merle” thing got started.

            It’s not like he’s doing anything _evil_ , like taking over or breaking anyone else’s game. He’s even polite enough to avoid others’ games during arcade hours. But Game Central Station is pretty empty during the day save for those whose own games have been unplugged, and maybe Merle is growing soft in his old age (at ten years old, Garden Rush is actually one of the older games in the arcade), but that’s just some bullshit. Except bullshit is useful as a fertilizer. Shit. Anyway.

            So Merle tries to help them. Lets them hide out in his own game if they want. Spends almost as much time talking with them as exploring. He still cracks jokes at their expense, same as always, but nobody is really fooled. The game’s normal residents have learned not to mention it after a few too many threats with his warhammer and a few too many respawns.

            To go Merle is to go against the program, to take a look at what’s in your very code and decide you know what, you’d rather do something else, anything else. It’s to abandon your own game (even though Jeffandrew is _clearly_ lax enough that it’s in absolutely no danger of being unplugged itself) in pursuit of your own happiness… which for some reason you’re bent on finding outside of your game.

 

* * *

 

            Jeffandrew’s arcade is something of an institution in town. No one can seem to recall when it first opened or how long it’s been here. It just sort of… is here.

            And the customers do invariably find what they’re happiest playing. Istus holds a high score on a few games, though how she plays is a mystery, given that she’s always found knitting. Raven doesn’t play much herself, but she has picked up on coding and debugging from her interest in games here and making sure thing proceed as they ought. Pan holds not just the high score, but several of them, on a mini game called Garden Rush (and Plants vs. Zombies, of course).

            The variety in the clientele is easily matched by the games themselves. If you walk in to Jeffandrew’s, you’ll be faced with a number of games, each with their own personalities, quirks, and occasionally, some spectacularly bizarre glitches. Chaos Stadium is pretty kickass, though the two favorite characters, an orc woman and a dwarf woman, generally don’t kick their opponents. If trivia is your jam, Hodge Podge is happy to play, and don’t be intimidated by the toy flame throwers attached. Just… don’t pick the laboratory level of the ghost hunting game next to it. The nerdlord character you have to rescue should be enough of a deterrent anyhow. There’s a racing game as well, with options to pick character and cart designs based around a number of animals, and everything _seems_ to be just fine over there. You should probably steer clear of the wheel of fortune, since people often walk away from that one looking like they’ve aged ten years. The western game is fun, right up until you run into that whole “total town destruction” issue that resets you back to the beginning of the level with apparently no hope of proceeding. Move Move Celebration has a few routines that would seem to require four limbs, but Big Bass Fishing should be fine unless you happen to trigger that whole gravity reversal thing. For some reason each and every high school student ends up playing at least a few rounds of the basketball shooting game.

            And then there’s the Faerun line of games. Well, that’s not actually what they’re called. The real name of the game has been scratched off, and only the “Welcome to Faerun!” part of the sign is left. The line of six interconnected machines is along the back wall of the arcade, the different designs depicting the different playable characters and different ways of exploring the game world. At least, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Right now all but one are stuck in the mini games depicted on their respective console. At least half of which don’t work right. And as for the last mostly functional game, well, the game is just kind of… stuck? Playable, but the story won’t go anywhere. It’s a wonder they’re still in operation, but if you were to ask Jeffandrew about it, he’d give a shrug and a smile and tell you that he doesn’t have a say in the matter. And you’d have to wonder, who does?

 

* * *

 

            The weather is perfect. The sun is shining, grass and leaves fluttering in the gentle breeze, the soothing crash of the ocean waves on the shore audible even from here.

            Just like always.

            Everything is ready to go. Seeds and irrigation systems and pest deterrents and endless tilled rows of an endless vegetable garden.

            Just like always.

            The members of town are out and about, with a smiling and shiny veneer, never far from where they’ll need to be should someone decide to play.

            Just like always.

            Mavis and Mookie are playing, too young to be artificial, though Mavis has that worried line between her eyebrows.

            Which has become another regular thing, to be another, “just like always.” That’s the one that bothers Merle the most, but overall, Merle has grown entirely sick of just like always.

            His life has always been a series of “just like always,” moments. His programmed backstory? A nature commune that might have prepared him for this game but was also astonishingly insular for supposedly being in tune with the natural world at large that surrounded them. Hard to actually do something like go out and see the world or help the less fortunate when you’re stuck inside some kind of digital fortress. Then… Merle sort of forgets what happens next, but it can’t have been very interesting if they just screwed up the coding on it. Then the game started. He married Hekuba, at the insistence of far too many of his relatives. He’s been raising Mavis and Mookie. And somehow he’s been bored as hell while growing plants for the past three years.

            Pan doesn’t seem to be in the arcade today, so games have been few and far in between, though even those when they happen do little to break up the monotony. The warm summery day has the stifling nature of a far harsher humid summer day, air heavy and promised rain just out of reach.

            “I’m going out.” He tells Hekuba, perfunctory.

            “Who cares?” Hekuba’s voice is hard, angry, and maybe Merle could have and did understand that before, but they’ve had this argument so many times, and it always ends the same way, just like the game. Just like always.

            He should come back, just like always.

            Maybe he just won’t come back this time.

            He doesn’t.

 

* * *

  

          There is one resident of Raven’s Roost and Fix-It Julia Jr. who is not exactly Magnus’s biggest fan. Kalen is _technically_ the governor of Raven’s Roost and the surrounding area, though it doesn’t usually come up in game. Which might actually be part of why Kalen dislikes him so much. See, while Magnus is the primary antagonist to Julia’s gorgeous and much beloved protagonist (not that Magnus is in any way biased, thank you very much), there are a few bonus levels involving Kalen and Julia trying to fix things before Kalen loses his cool. But players don’t seem to be Kalen’s biggest fan. Magnus isn’t _trying_ to be a game hog; it just turns out that way. You’d think Kalen would be happy not being a big antagonist, but maybe he cares less about that since Julia winning doesn’t end with him buried under an avalanche of stolen furniture and housing peppered through with wooden ducks as it does with Magnus. Magnus doesn’t know and doesn’t especially care.

            And that will haunt Magnus until the day his game is unplugged. And then longer still.

            The how and why don’t matter to Magnus, just what results.

            When it happens, it’s fast. Julia, ever observant, ever brave, ever caring, rushes in at Magnus, checking him away from the trap before stumbling in herself. Julia freezes, eyes locked on Magnus with a horror that matches his own. And then her whole body, from her feet to her hair, from her competent, callused hands to her bright eyes, usually so full of love and now full of fear, stutters, a wave of blue code rushing up her body. It happens again. And a third time, faster.

            Time is behaving oddly as well, speeding along far too fast for Magnus to do anything  and stop this, yet so slowly that Magnus is aware of every single detail, can seemingly see every single pixel as Julia’s body breaks apart, shining like bright butterflies before shifting to fragments of blue code that begin to fade. And no, disintegrate is just a special effect in some games, it shouldn’t be happening here. Magnus scrambles, clumsy, clumsy like he is when they’re playing, to grab onto Julia, somehow keep her together while Julia’s code dissipates, scattering, while the few bits Magnus has held onto fade away in his hands.

            Magnus forces himself to unclench his hands, force himself to exhale, a programmed habit, and waits. You die in your game, you respawn. That’s how it works. Julia was right here, right in front of him, in _her_ game. So Julia should reform right here, right in front of him, in her game.

            Julia doesn’t reappear, shaken, but with a smile on her face to reassure Magnus. Julia doesn’t reappear at all. Time stretches on, as it is wont to do, and nothing happens.

            Magnus doesn’t need to breathe, so it should not feel as though the air has been knocked from his lungs. Magnus doesn’t have a physical heart, so it should not feel as though it’s stopped beating entirely. Magnus is not, strictly speaking, alive, so it should not, _it should not_ , feel as though he died the moment that Julia did.

            Kalen disappears before Magnus can even process what happened. Naturally. The residents of Raven’s Roost evacuate the game. Naturally. Without Julia… without Julia there’s no reason to stick around, not just for Magnus. Without Julia, the game will be unplugged. Magnus considers staying, believing he’d see Julia again when it happened. In the end though, it doesn’t matter; the game’s plug remains untouched. The game is reset a few times. Julia doesn’t come back. So Magnus leaves.

 

* * *

 

            One of the things about the game going dark with Glamour Springs is that after the disappointed snot-nosed brat walks away, Taako has a good view of the rest of the arcade. For the fuckin’ seventh time that day, he acknowledges from where he sits on his kitchen counter, swinging his legs. From what he can see, most of them look to be in good working order, not staticky or freezing or generally glitchy.

            Taako bets there’s a whole lot more out there than collapsed soufflés, dry chicken, and players who should be fuckin’ mincing instead of dicing. Gold coins and chaos emeralds and battlewagons you can install with ice cream cannons. And listen, that sounds considerably more appealing.

            Why is he here, really? Besides, the whole “at least the game’s plugged in,” thing. Because the way shit’s going today, Taako wouldn’t be surprised if Jeffandrew skipped slapping on an “out of order” sign like he did on the neighboring fixing game and went straight to pulling the plug. The sheer number of times Glamour Springs was picked today has Taako considering his mortality far more than he usually does and far more than you’d expect of most video game characters, even considering how often _some people_ manage to fuck up water levels.

            Taako hops off the kitchen counter, wiping it down behind him out of habit. He’s not a savage. For the first time in his ten years of life, Taako actually tidies his kitchen. It’s always clean, certainly, again, not a fuckin’ savage, but it definitely favors organized chaos over plain organization. Taako leaves before the game finishes resetting itself, and when the lights come up, the now brightly illuminated stage is empty.

            Taako stares down the archway between him and the world that exists beyond his game stage and studio audience. Rushing in has never been his style, but he usually isn’t so open about doubt either. Taako sets one foot outside the perimeter of his game, then shifts his weight forward, carrying the other foot through. Taako’s outside of his game. Deep down, he’d been afraid that his game’s glitches extended far into him as well, that it wasn’t a matter of no one else would have him but no one else even could. But Taako’s good out here, outside of Sizzle It Up.

            Taako straightens up, straightens his two feet tall hat. And Taako starts walking, nerves fading with each step, until he’s striding forward. Maybe something else _will_ have him. Something else will _have_ to have him. He’s fuckin’ Taako from TV after all.

  

* * *

 

          Somewhere, in a place where only one woman is able to see it, a timer begins ticking down. 30… 29… It shudders for a few moments at 28 before stopping. She exhales shakily, sitting. At least it stopped? And quickly. But still… The weighty silence is broken with, “Hot diggity shit.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Why am I starting another long fic you ask? Because ideas that happen at 11 PM when I am trying to sleep are always the fun ones. Not set update schedule planned currently, and I do intend to keep up with the other one.
> 
> To leave a fic comment, see below.  
> To inquire about current work status, leave a message after the tone at [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com).


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